Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank.

whats a dogs favourite colour? Grrrreen

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fire.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out the burning ducks.

In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by the canteen.
Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 - 2400 - 3600!!”

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

What’s small and cuddly and bright purple?
A koala holding his breath!

Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!

Little boy kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks!
Boy kills a honeybee.
Dad says no honey for 2 weeks! Mum kills a cockroach, boy turns to Dad and says are you going to tell her or shall i.

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.
"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"
"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
They have their own scales.

What day does a fish hate?
Fry day.

What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ?
A tiger moth !

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.
"Oh?" The shrink replies.
"Which one?" "The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

Whats red on the outside and green on the inside?
A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.

Two snakes are talking.
One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"
The other replays, "Yes,why?..."
"I just bit my lip."

What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.

What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet?
"Behave or Frankenswine will get you."

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
The one in the sugar bowl!

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What do you call the place where parrots make movies?
Pollywood.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"

What birds spend all their time on their knees ?
Birds of prey !

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

Two Lions are eating a clown..
and then one lion says to the other..
.."This tastes funny"..

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.
He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed.
"That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel!

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!"
The cat ran/> asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus Pieces.

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.
The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant.
"One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out.

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire.

One police asked to the thief, “How you theft the horse within a minute in front of so many people?”

Thief replied, “I did not take the horse, it was the horse who has taken me so fast within a second.”

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur?Ask it a question.
If he answers, its a male; if she answers, its female.

What has four legs and an arm?
A Happy Pit Bull.

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”