SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Q: Should I have another baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

Doctor, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia?
I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.
"" Don't worry, it wont happen to me.
If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.

Yo momma is so poor that when I saw her last week walking down the street kicking a can, so I asked, "What are you doing?"
and she said, "Movin."

How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me."

Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back.

Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.

Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.

Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.

I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
"He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness?
She finished it in two.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?

A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Sherlock Holmes:
- Say, Dr. Watson... are you gay?
- Wha... How did you know?!
- I'm just asking.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I".
Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!.....

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.

Chuck Norris gives Fred Kruger nightmares.

Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Marriage is a three ring circus
... engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?
Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool.
I already have my Pass with me.!!!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell.
10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

When 40 people think at food, it`s called funeral.
When 38 people think at food, and 2 at sex it`s called wedding.
When 40 people think at s*x, it`s team-building.

Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Yo mama so fat God told her he had no room in heaven and the devil said there was no room in hell.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light.
Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Q:How can you get four suits for a dollar?

A:Buy a deck of cards.

A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
Clerk, "me too..."

Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test,
she thought it mean Fantastic!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didnt believe in hell.

A willy is like a tree In your 20's its like a rock hard oak.

In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.

After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls are just there for decoration.

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

A little boy asks his Mum, "Why am I black and you are white?"
"Don't even ask," she replies, "When I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark!"

A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn. The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"
"If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"

A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

When 40 people think at food, it`s called funeral.
When 38 people think at food, and 2 at sex it`s called wedding.
When 40 people think at s*x, it`s team-building.

Q: Why is it hard to play the card game "Uno" with a group of Mexicans?

A: Because they all take the green cards.

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and Ill never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.
" "Thats a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldnt eat the mushrooms!"

When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he's retreating.
He's not. He's just attacking from another direction.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Teacher asked, "Why do Boys Walk faster then Girls & Girls Talk more then Boys?"

Boy replied. because, Boys have ane Extra leg & Girls have one Extra Mouth...........

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer?

A. The torturer would apologize first.

What is da true meaning of 'Study' ???
S. Sleeping
T. Talking
U. Unlimited tafreh
D. Dreaming
Y. Yawning

A husband and wife are eating soup.
the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

Honesty
Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of one.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?

Yes, over there, the same way that you came in!

I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...
20 years old and mixed up with coke!

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him.
Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Q: Why are women like parking spaces ?

A: Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Husband came home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning.
Wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "What are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night?"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any..

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !

teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

God said, "Let there be light."
Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated.
"Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?"
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.

Yo mama is so poor, rainbows in her neighborhood are black and white.

Yo mama is so stupid she took a spoon to the Superbowl.

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.'
'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was president.'

Yo Moma So Poor
that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Yo momma is so ugly when she tried to get into the ugly competition the judge's said, "Sorry,no professional's".

Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.

Yo Mama So Ugly
she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt.

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

Whats the Difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

A tourist asks a man in uniform, Are you a policeman?
No, I am an undercover detective.
So why are you in uniform?
Today is my day off.

Two blokes sitting in a bar, 1 says, "After 10 years of marriage, s*x is down to three times a year."
The other replies, "Same here pal, as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have none at all."

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

There were 3 monkeys who escaped from their cage.
One run outside the streets, the second eats garbage and the third monkey is reading this joke.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a sheep, baaaa.

Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.

A woman wants everything from one man.
A man wants one thing from all women.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Your mama is so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed!

Husband:
Darling why are you wearing our wedding ring in your wrong finger?
Wife:
Because I married the wrong man!

Q:Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild?
A; A fifty pound note!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his his nose.

Q:Where do wild pigs go on weekends?
A: Pignics.

Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club.
He stated that, "He couldn't have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get f..ked every week !"

If size doesn't matter, why my girlfriends vibrator isn't three inches long and crooked ...?

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Why didn't the baby goose believe anything his father said?
He thought it was all papagander.

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine...
I always get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Yo momma's so poor she cant even pay attention.

A man goes to see a wizard and says 'can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?'
'Maybe,' says the wizard, 'if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?'
The man replies without hesitation 'I pronounce you man and wife ...'

Q:Why did the woman cross the road?

A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.
"Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince.

A student is sitting at astronomy lecture in college, when the professor mentions.
"In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all life on earth will cease to exist."
"Excuse me, professor, did you say 5 billion years or 15 billion?"
"15 billion."
"Whew, thanks, because I was really getting worried."

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran!
Johnny just looks at him and says, "Not so funny when its your mum is it?"

What's the richest kind of air?
Billionaire.

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.

Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.

Q:What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

A:The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel

Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate."
Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?"
"NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."

Q: Why is it hard to play the card game "Uno" with a group of Mexicans?
A: Because they all take the green cards.

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "Ive just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.
""Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".

You know the movie, Alien VS Predator?
Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !

Q: What do two oceans do when they meet?
A: Nothing! Just wave

A friend of mine just got divorced.
He and his ex-wife split thehouse.
He got the outside.

Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever ...
I wonder where shes going ?

Whats the diff between your wife and your job?
After 10 years your job still sucks.

God said, "Let there be light."
Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

I'm a blonde and I'm pretty smart, I know because people keep on telling me, especially the pretty girl on the bathroom wall .

I don't know whats happening in this country.
You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
Its a nightmare ... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money!

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild?
A fifty pound note!

Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . does any one know what that is? "Yes," says Tommy.
"My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

The difference between the Pope and your boss.
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

What’s the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks the blood out of people at night.

When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Man to sexy Airhostess, "What is your name?"
Airhostess, "Benz, Sir."
Man, "Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedez Benz?"
Airhostess, "SAME PRICE, Sir..."

Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it mean Fantastic!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to apologize and I'll hold your monkey for you."

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

Undertaker to bereaved husband. When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?
Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."

SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three candles for your party?
PIGLET: Id rather have three cakes and one candle.

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Musician: Is the music sweet?
Boy: It's more or less like the one which my father plays.
Musician: Is your father a musician?
Boy: No, he's a carpenter.

Q: Should I have another baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord.
"Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !'
"Did you get a blow job?" asks the landlord.
"No ..."" he says, "I never found the head."

Boy - "dear Santa, for Xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."

Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says:

- So, what concerns you?
- Dr, everyone ignores me!
- Next!

Q: Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself?
A: He had no body to go with him.

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, women underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse.
They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

Q: What did the bee say to the flower?

A: Hi, honey.

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Q:If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
A:The rest of your life...

Someone asked a detective, "Why are you under a bed sheet?"
The detective replied, "I'm Undercover."

A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies, "You've got a bigger d.ck than your brother ..."

Someone asked a detective, "Why are you under a bed sheet?"
The detective replied, "I'm Undercover.

Q: What do two oceans do when they meet?
A: Nothing! Just wave

Men is at the airport.
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- S*x?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean, male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn ´ t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast! :-))

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

What did Zero say to Eight?
Nice belt!

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think?

A. you need more time together B. she's a prude C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

Prostitute in the police station.
The desk officer says, "So when did you realize you were raped?"
She replies ... "When the cheque bounced!"

A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies, "You've got a bigger d.ck than your brother ..."

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him."
Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Did you hear about hte new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'.
I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...
- Good, good, good...
- Doctor, what's good?
- Good that I don't have what you have...

Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Teacher asked, "Why do Boys Walk faster then Girls & Girls Talk more then Boys?"

Boy replied. because, Boys have ane Extra leg & Girls have one Extra Mouth...........

You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

Texan: "Where are you from?"" Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay," "Where are you from, jackass?"

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to Red Cross.
Just newer his own.

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

TEACHER: What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

Yesterday, I confessed all my sins to my bride!
-And?
-It did not help, the wedding is tomorrow!

When Truman decided to bomb Hiroshima for World War II it was because it was more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.

Yo momma is so ugly when she tried to get into the ugly competition the judge's said, "Sorry,no professional's".

"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.
"Did you see it?"
"Sunrise?" said the second man.
"Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Yo Mamma's so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside, and ran out with a bowl.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

The internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A company once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, but they soon realized it wouldn't work because Chuck Norris won't take shit from anyone.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Beat the stress with fun and humor & laughter through short jokes.
Let me share that playing with Kids is the best way to make yourself laugh & happy.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, women underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse.
They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh*t."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."

Ive got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well though.
I'm just seeing less and less of her ...

Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.
Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing in the rain!"

Two snowmen are standing in a field.
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too"

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Q: What is the best type of ship?

A: FRIENDSHIP!

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Once old man asks:
When a newly married couple smile, everyone knows why.
but when a fifteen year married couple smile every wonders why..!!!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit.

Yo mama has been passed around by so many black dudes, they now call her..Spalding!

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm.
You are my son.
Of that I am confident.
Your friend Timmy is also my son.
That's confidential."

People have near-death experiences.
Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

Q: What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women?

A: Bingo!

The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.